74. Simon Gough stag expedition, Krakow, Poland, Friday 5th - Sunday 7th November 2004

UPDATE: Handy pictures from James Chesher bring some more memories flooding back - see below.

The Law of the Stag demands that high jinks on stag weekend are kept on the stag weekend. It is therefore with careful consideration that the events of Dr. Simon Gough's stag weekend are recounted here in an impartial and non-offence-causing way.

Dave, Rob, Will and I left the house at 7.15 on the Friday morning. Two-and-a-half hours later, we were joined by Simon, James and Chris drinking beer at the Bar de Voyageurs, landside at Luton Airport. The beers were expensive and cold and served to the table despite the fact that we wanted to go to the bar to collect them. Needless to say, there was no real beer. But it was 9.45 am. After having a couple on the plane, we arrived at Krakow, and locating the hotel, decided that it was time for some food, washed down by some beer, so we strolled into one of Krakow's numerous cellar bars for sustenance and a pint or two. The food was good, and the beer was OK at 'Restaurant Ja-Pub Piwnica Pod Kominkiem' which is what I have written from the receipt. There was even a dance floor in the dark caverns, though seeing as it was only 4pm this wasn't open, but I think that the atmosphere would have been quite good later on. Beer choices were Tyskie and Zywiec, both lagers, but quite pleasant as lagers go.

After going back to the hotel to commandeer the second dormitory, we went out to hit the town and our first stop was an even better cellar bar; Pub Uzimeinie. On this occasion there was a young lady serving, typical Polish with dark hair and blue eyes. In fact there were quite a few young ladies in there - a very good place to be. Indeed there were even a couple kissing on an adjacent table. But enough of that. The atmosphere was very good for 7 ish in the evening and the tables were really cosy. We had a couple of pints: most people had Zywiec, about 5%, but I foolishly had Warka Strong, a darkish lager type drink which came in at about 7.5% and was the top of the slippery slope. Needless to say, the beer was good and cheap. Below is a picture taken within: around the table clockwise from left: Chris, Will, James, Rob, Simon, Dave. Notice that Simon is wearing a T-shirt with a particularly twatish picture of himself on it, some sunglasses and some Pat Sharp hair.

Next up was Showtime Bar, a very trendy place upstairs in somewhere and quite expensive, it is probably where the beautiful people of Krakow go. Again it was a little early, so it was quite empty, and for some reason we had vodka martinis (probably because Zywiec was the only beer), served by a set of trim women. It was OK, but I was quite keen to get back into aleing it up. Which we did at Pub Podium, or somewhere, another cellar bar with just a hint of the Irish about it. The atmosphere was rather good, akin to an Oxford College cellar bar. Beer was again Zywiec, Warka Strong, but they additionally had expensive Heineken and Murphys. Again we stayed for a couple though it was not quite as cheap as it had been elsewhere. Back row l-r: Dave, Simon, Will; Front row l-r: Rob, Chris, James.

After this point the evening began to catch up with me, though I recall going into the place next to the hotel, Atmosfera, for a good few and dancing quite badly. We returned to Atmosfera the next day, but apparently some of us moved on and I have hazy recollections of a very busy and trendy place called something like Gronczka where we stayed for a short while.

I wasn't feeling overly chipper the next day, so we decided to take in a few sights before sauntering to the go-kart track. There's a big square in Krakow with a famous church on it that has two different spires, so in a effort to appease the culturalists I have put it below, together with another building snapped later in the afternoon.

Half an hour later at about midday, I was back on the beer, this time a pint of the amusingly named Lech which is captured below. This was in a place called ATM Pronto, basically a cafe which you can probably just order drinks in if you so wish, and I couldn't resist a pint with a very nice chicken and chips type meal which sorted me out loads. It was brought on a plate by quite a nice waitress.

A leisurely afternoon of detox and go-karting followed, and by about 4 pm we had finally developed the urge to have a few more, but had another quick trail through the streets back to the main square. On our way we saw some more important buildings and I took a photo of a most interesting metal object at the base of some church steps that looked like a bent circumcised cock.

But enough of that. It was still reasonably light outside, so we sat ouside the Cafe Art/La Banque drinking establishment and were served some of the ubiquitous Zywiec. It was altogether very pleasant outside, but as it was getting a bit chilly we moved inside to the cosy cellar bar and had another round or two and also some quite lively discussion. Shunning the fish and chip shop outside, we thought that seeing as it was a special day, we would have some special food and so found a restaurant called Szlacheckie Judna which I think had a suit of armour outside too, as Simon demostrates below. UPDATE: yes, James has a snap of the knight wearing shades!

The food inside was excellent, and we had a couple of reasonable beers, together with an excellent glass of Bisongrass Vodka which I did not bring back a sample of unfortunately. One of the main dishes was a pork kebab type thing, served on a sword. A gentleman with a flaming hostess trolley would ring a bell to signal the meal's arrival. It was very good, and I nabbed a few pirogies¹ to soak up beer that I anticipated later. For some reason we found humour in referring to the item upon which the kebab had been brought in as the 'pork sword' and so there are some photos below (Last one courtesy of James Chesher - oh look, we were drinking Okocim).

Things started to deteriorate for me when we went into Carpe Diem II, as I was standing up and drinking quickly. There were quite a number of ladies in there, but I was more interested in standing around drinking beer. We had quite a few, and I unwisely chose to drink Strong again which may have contributed to my elevated state of pissedness which I soon attained. I assume Zywiec was also on. It was a nice place to go though and very lively. Most likely it was in a cellar. After this, Rob and I somehow lost everyone for a good hour, though as we will soon see this could have been a blessing in disguise, so after getting into the hotel to try to phone, we thought that the most sensible thing to do was to go next door to the hotel for another drink in Atmosfera. Now being in a position to describe this place, I can tell you that it was very good and lively too, and the beer also had a few more options than other places though I did not recall what was actually available. Eventually everyone else stumbled in and we stayed for a few, dancing with the Goths on the dance floor that played excellent music such as Depeche Mode and Rage Against the Machine. At the point of leaving, I think I pretty much went straight home, rather than across to Club Coyote², though I do recall myself and Will almost getting into a fight as Will had decided to piss on the pavement. Obviously this is a taboo in Poland. Sensibly a decision to go straight back to the hotel 10 meters away was taken. I'm not sure who else was back; but I think Dr Wacey was as he appeared to be in a praying position on my bed at about 4am.

But the weekend wasn't quite over! Again, feeling a bit rough, we checked out of the hotel, and before getting on the bus decided that a hearty breakfast was called for. Our request was granted in fine style at the Emporium Metropolitan, a quite posh establishment which unfortunately does not do beer. It does however do a very good Bloody Mary that sorted me out a treat, together with the excellent fry up although some people elected to have coffee or orange juice instead. It was just about time to get the bus, though I did point out to everyone the place that Rob and I had reached the previous night when we were following everyone. The 192 bus turned up, and the driver waved us on happily despite the fact that we had offered money. This was our downfall as two stops short of the terminus an inspector got on, and it was only after some diplomatic negotiation that we were allowed to go, rather than talk to the cops about fare evasion. To calm the nerves, we had a quick beer at the airport's Podniebny Borek: a canned Zywiec. So that was it; Dave had made an excellent job of the weekend, and, even though we in the event did not stop for a beer on the way back from Luton³, I had a hangover for about 3 days.

¹ Polish dish like a big fat dim sum
² even if I went in, I do not remember anything about it let alone having a drink so it is not counted as a visit.
³ though I did have one on the plane

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Dan Lovegrove
dan@doctor-lovegrove.com

Last updated 24th November 2004.